I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
