its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
