Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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