I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
