She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
