You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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