i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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