I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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