I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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