I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
