i would punch a child for taco bell
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
