I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
