the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
