My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
