So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
