Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
