If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
People in love make me want to vomit
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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