turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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