he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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