I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
