Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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