Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
