I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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