My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
