I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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