you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
