I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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