im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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