No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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