Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
