just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
