Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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