I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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