Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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