i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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