Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
