I got chris browned last night
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
