Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
