OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
