Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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