did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you would pick up someone in the library
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Randomize
