whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
