I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
