im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
