Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
