If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
