Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
40s are totally the cure
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
3 2 1 whiskey
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
