Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
