My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
