and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
3pm strippers are depressing
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When did angry sex become our thing?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
