shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
